I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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