her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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