I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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