So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
