if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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