I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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