Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
