You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
