We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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