its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
