I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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