Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
