I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
