i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Vodka?
Forever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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