I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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