Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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