We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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