you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
