Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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