He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
