SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
