I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
