Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
