woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
