i love accidental penises.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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