You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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