how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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