On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
