Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
