She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
