Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
