apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
