she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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