WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
