I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
