Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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