Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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