I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
why do cheetos always look like penises
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
