mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
