Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
