as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
