He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
