We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
