She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
