I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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