She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
