I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
