My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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