you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
