I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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