Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
