headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
