i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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