Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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