she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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